Heroes Anonymous

Week 0 (Session 5)

Sticks are the most powerful weapon in the universe

Gord wakes up that morning with a slight case of the sniffles, but suddenly realizes that it is not that important, as there is an alien invasion in progress outside. Luckily, a few months ago when he constructed his based, he decided for the sewers. Even aliens don’t go there.

Gord goes look to see if anyone else is awake.

Everyone is awake watching the news broadcast. Aliens invading is pretty big, at least for Borderline City. Every other alien has been pretty nice up to this point.

Torturess to Gob: Yeah, did you see that laser ray? That was intense. Let’s see how many the Captain can take before it melts his moustache!

Gord notices on the tube that it’s a closeup of Captain Masochisto, fighting what appears to be a soap bubble. A big soap bubble. One that shoots lasers.

Gord: Torturess, you’ve been up against that guy before. I know he can take it, sure, but can he dish it out at all?
Torturess: Yeah, once he hits critical mass, he gets stronger and stronger until he can flick you into orbit.
Gord: Well, I guess that explains how he ever gets anything done.
Torturess: Yeah, wish I had half his powers.
Gob: Gob, gob!
Torturess: You can say that again. I think his suit is totally fried now. Whoa, I understood that…
Gord: Yeah, it happens eventually. Nothing to be ashamed of. Glad that guy sprang for the black box briefs, at least, even if he spared all expenses on the rest of his costume design.

The TV cuts to a closeup of machine guns firing and pans back as the bubble reflects all of the bullets.

Torturess: Yeah, I burned his costume when I had him locked up. I think he gets them imported in mass.
Gob: Gob, gob.
Gord: I probably would too if getting shot was a vital part of my plans.
Torturess: Hey, that’s just down the street. Wanna go topside and watch the action from a rooftop?
Gord: Hmmm… shrugs Why not?
Gord: They aren’t spraying that many lasers around.
Torturess: He also hasn’t missed even once…
TV: A tank explodes.
Torturess: Let’s go! I want to see another one blow in person!
Gord: Well, if only everyone else in this city had that kind of accuracy.
Torturess: Then the goons would win instead of being crushed like flies. Though, it’s tough to crush flies too. And I guess that’s why you can always find them near shit.
Gord: I’m not even going to guess where you’re going with that one. Come on, we’re going topside.

Gord costumes up, and then follows Torturess and a few gobs up to the street. Once at the surface, he hears sirens, machine gun fire, explosions and someone yelling “I’m a tiger! I’m a tiger!”

Gremliminator sighs: Just another day in the BC…
Torturess: I think the cosplay bitches need to get to work. That guy is in serious…oh shit. He’s not in cosplay.
A tiger trots by yelling “I’m a tiger!”
Gord smirks at his sidekick: Don’t know what you’re talking about. Looks like a pretty good costume to me.
They suddenly reel back as a sonic boom explodes all the glass nearby.
Torturess: Oh god damn, it’s what’s his nuts, too fast for his own good dipshit asshole to the rescue. Oh damn, I parked right there.
Gord: Whoa! That was pretty intense. Both the sonic boom and your language, young lady.
Torturess curtsies.
Gord: Alright, that building over there has a fire escape and five stories; we should get a good view from the top. pushes Torturess in the right direction
Torturess: Alright. Let’s go to the top of the Metcha building. Their security is swiss cheese without alien invasions to muck it up.
Gord: Alright then, lead the way.

She takes himdown the street to a rather large building that reads “Aren’t you glad I metcha?” Apparently, it’s some kind of dating super website’s headquarters. And before you ask, yes, the website has the super power to make you realize how sleazy you are for using it. This is listed right in its ad copy!

Torturess bypasses the security guards out front who look to be asleep, and goes straight to the lobby elevators.

Gord follows, muttering: Pfft, the elevators? Anyone can do that. Real heroes go up the side of the building.
Torturess: Let the real heroes scale thirty plus floors, while we take the elevator. She taps the up button about forty times.
Gord: Feeling on edge about something?
Torturess: Elevators will think there are at least forty people here if I do it like this.
Gord: Ah, you’re an animist. That explains some things…

Sure enough, every elevator arrives at the same time, all empty.

Gord: Alright, so you were right this one time…
Torturess: After you, m’lord and his gobs.
Gob 1: Gob, gob!
Gob 2: Gob, gob!
Gob 3: Sure, whatever.
Gord enters the elevator: Good sidekick.

Torturess enters and press floor 29. Sweet and amazing elevator music lulls you into a false sense of security that everything is all right. Gord muses about the times before he had a sidekick, when he had to do things like pressing elevator buttons himself.

Gord: So what do you think this invasion is about?
Torturess: I think it’s about the anchovy and cheese burritos… this won’t be the first invasion for the recipe, though it is the first intergalactic invasion for it.
Gord: I always that was a pretty self-explanatory dish. Maybe it just translates to something weird in alien languages.
Torturess: It’s all about the anchovy and cheese special sauce. What’s in it? I don’t know, and I don’t want to. But I guess some people just have to know the caloric value of the shit they binge eat.
Gord: Well, see, if they used fire escapes to get around buildings more often, they wouldn’t have to worry about that. Waitaminnit… Are you saying that with a figure like yours, you don’t worry about calories?
Torturess: I engage in vigorous torturing every day at the local S&M spa.
Gord: Ah, of course. I can see how that would help keep the pounds off.

Ding! The elevator opens on the 29th floor.

Torturess pokes her head out. “Ozymandias!” She then walks out.

Gord: The way she’s been talking all day, and now she starts using sanitized oaths?
Torturess: I figured, if there was a secret password to not get shot on sight, that was as good as any other. You know, just covering all the bases.
Gord: To not get shot on sight? What was that you were saying earlier about swiss cheese security, then?
Torturess: Hey, you never know. They might have upped it for this floor. Last time I came here, I spray painted “Torturess was here and she pissed on your sofa” everywhere.
Gord: Nice to see that under all that black leather and sashaying you’re still just as classy as the next street punk.

She walks to the side of the floor, where a locked doorway to the stairs is located.

Torturess: Hey, I had a big bottle of water after the last Diva concert and couldn’t reach the bathroom in time.
Gord: Couldn’t get… you know what, I don’t think I’ll ask. Can you handle that lock, or should I step in?

The lock clicks, and she opens the door.

Torturess: Piece of cake.
Lucas: Gord: Pretty and good with your hands. I’ll think I’ll keep you, sidekick.
Torturess: I thought I was the one that adopted you, but okay.
Gord: I suppose it would be uncouth to press the issue. Ladies, and Torturesses, first?
Gob: Gob, gob.
Torturess: Didn’t realize there were female goblins…
Gord: Let’s go, boys.
Gob 2: Gob, gob.

They all hit the roof lickity split, just cuz the GM got bored of the trek.

Torturess: Whoa! I didn’t realize how big that bubble thing was.
Gord: Well, size matters. You wouldn’t invade with just a little bubble, would you?
Torturess: I’d personally rather bring an armada.
Gord: Maybe they spent all their money on the one.
Torturess: Or this is an invasion of friendless assholes who think invasion is the way to make friends… hence the lack thereof.
Gord: watches a laser Or they don’t need more than one.
Torturess: Hah. Probably not. Look. He just put a bubble around the Captain. Haha!
Gord: I just thought of something.
Torturess: Leave the toaster on?
Gord: Nah, nothing really important like that. Though I didn’t eat breakfast, now that you mention it… No, I mean, aren’t we heroes? Think we should be doing something?
Torturess: Oh, yeah… I think you’re right.
Gord: Well, now that I think about it, I can’t fly. Think that thing’s close enough to lob a grenade at it?
Torturess: Are you Carlos Almarato, BC’s golden pitcher, underneath that mask?
Gord: Not likely.
Torturess: But there’s a chance?
Gord: As far as you know, yes.
Torturess: Well, I’m holding out hope, so yes, go for it. But if the Sears building there disintegrates, you can look for a new sidekick.

The bubble around the naked flying Captain explodes, and he flies at the giant bubble.

Torturess: Ooooo
Gord: Gah, so much for the black box briefs.
Torturess: I think he ran out of air and powered up.
Gord: We probably don’t have to worry about it, then. I’m sure he can handle it.

He is then frozen in a block of ice.

Torturess: Or not.
Gord mutters: Stupid aliens just want me to look doofy in front of the sexy sidekick…

Suddenly, the door opens from the stairway. A sickly looking hero in a cheaply made, off white and purple suit with lightning bolts all over the leggings it limps out.

Sickly hero: Oh lordy…how did that villain know my secret weakness was height and stairs? He sits down and pants.
Torturess: Hey, aren’t you Sonik the Boom?
Sonik: Why ye-

Torturess punches him in the face.

Torturess: You fucking broke my car’s windows.

Sonik gargles on blood and tooth fragments.

Gord: If he chokes on that, how does he survive his own sonic speed?
Torturess: Dunno. Never saw him slow down before.

Suddenly, you hear the whine of an electric guitar echo across the entire city.

Gord: This thing is just bringing out everyone, isn’t it?
Torturess: That’s the signal for an impromptu Diva concert! We have to get seats!
Gord: Should we have brought chairs?
Torturess: I don’t know, but I can’t not try to get seats…
Torturess *looks like an addict. “Come on, you love her too, right?”
*Gord shrugs
: I hear enough loud noises at work. Pop music never really appealed to me.
Torturess: You can’t not love her music. I don’t think it’s possible honestly. Are you always out of town when she’s in town?
Gord: That or underground, I guess. sigh Alright, come on, if you want it that badly we can go see it.

The ice breaks, and Captain Masochisto is released. He flies at the bubble, and this time completely absorbs three laser rays, an electric blast, what might have been an EMP blast and several IBM blasts before he collides into the bubble with his fists.

Torturess: Oh! Cool!

The bubble shimmers, going visible for a second, but becomes white again. Suddenly, they see the Captain is flying towards them.

Gord: Incoming!

He grabs Torturess around the waist and dashes away from the impact site. Gob 3 grabs Gob 2, who grabs Gob 1, who grabs Sonik. They make it to the 29th floor again, before the entire 30th is removed like the top of a can by a can opener.

Gord: Well, they’re getting the idea of teamwork, at least…

Still holding Torturess, he peaks back up the stair to look at the damage. Considering he is now on the top floor, the roof having been completely peeled away, there’s surprisingly little to look at.

Torturess: Well, that’s new.

The bubble is now floating over your building.

Gord: Maybe I could hit it now.

Gord lets go of Torturess and pulls out a psinade. He cooks it for a few seconds, and then tosses it at the bubble. It detonates right when it makes contact with the bubble, which flickers. For a split instant, a blue creature inside of it becomes visible.

Torturess: Well, uh… hide?

A red laser beam strikes the Captain in the chest. What you realize, it’s cutting straight THROUGH him. He just regenerates it back too fast to notice.

Gord: Hiding’s good, but the thing’s within range and I think I can actually hurt it.
Captain Masochisto: Haha! Are you running out of energy, bubble-boy?! Time to feel the pain you’ve taught me!

He slams into it at full speed. And gets rebounded into a nearby building.

Gord: Or the good Captain can try to knock the thing out of my range…

However, the bubble doesn’t move. And, it starts to lower. A blue light begins to generate on the bottom of the sphere. Gord tosses another psinade at it. The blast causes the sphere to flicker again. Gord’s hair begins to stick up.

Gord: Last one of these I’ve got. Better hide in case it doesn’t work.

The explosion causes it to flicker again, but still it doesn’t seem that damaged. Suddenly, the group is deafened by the loudest noise their ears never heard because they were deafened by the sound that pre-empted it. But when they open your eyes, they realize they are not dead. However, the sickly Sonik looks like a star athlete now.

Sonik: “HAHA! Finally, energized!”

He starts to run around in a circle until the wind begins to bring you all upward.

Torturess: I knew I should have ran away! (Gord reads her lips).

Gord starts searching his utility belt for something else he can use, asthe air picks him up and he begin to hover upwards, as if propelled by a soft cushion of air. Torturess glomps onto him, as do the Gobs. Gord glomps his sidekicks back, aware that he doesn’t have many weapons that wouldn’t blow him up too at this range. All of a sudden, the bubble disappears and they all are get sucked in! The bubble reappears, but from the inside, it looks to be a hundred different cameras focused all over the city.

The blue creature is suspended in the center of a bubble by what looks like a metal cube. Each rod of the cube has glowing gems encrusted into it. It looks down at the litter it picked up and speaks to them.

????: Garblablorkablabor!

Gord muses over his masterful lipreading skills

Torturess: Did he just ask to do the mambo?
Gord: I hope not. Didn’t get that one in my dancing lessons.
Torturess: I can’t hear you! Speak up!
Gob: Gob, gob!
Gord: Maybe it was ‘limbo’! Can you limbo?
????: Larblargarhormixtal!
Gord: I think he wants to see you limbo as much as I do.

Apparently, the fact that you’re in his giant bubble has him angry. He seems to be searching what appears to be a neck belt for a weapon (or possibly a breath mint, Torturess is galactically hot). Gord finally remembers he has weapons that don’t explode. He pulls out his stun gun.

????: Digoparxax!

The blue alien pulls what looks like a tooth brush out of his neck belt thingy. He points it at you and fires a ray. Gord does his best Han Solo impression and… pulls Gob in front of him as a shield, at the same time firing his dart at the alien. Gob disintegrates as a disc quickly intercepts the dart, and then disappears.

Gord: That was one of my best goblins!
????: Blar blar blar blar!

Torturess lets go of Gord, grabs a Gob and kind of floats at the blue guy. Suddenly on all of the “cameras” the naked body of the Captain appears, moving rapidly!

Gord: Gah!

The bubble shakes violently as Torturess flying kicks the blue dude in the head. The bubble seems okay, and has reflected the Captain again. Gord fires another stun dart at the alien. The blue dude shakes a bit and his head droops. A little hand comes out of the contraption keeping him in the center and prods him in the face. He wakes up.

????: Garglilo!

He aims at Gord again. The zap misses you, hits the bubble, rebounds and hits a disc. Suddenly, they see the naked form of the Captain again.

????: Gluuuuuuuuu!

The crash violently shakes the bubble, which suddenly winks out.

Captain: A party? Why wasn’t I invited?

Torturess smacks the blue dude. Suddenly, the whole contraption snaps in half. The cube suddenly retracts and falls apart, and there is a moment of suspended time when everyone just looks at each other with wide eyes. Then, they begin to free fall.

Captain: Don’t worry, I’ll——-GAH!

The disintegration ray makes half his body disappear for a second. It seems like it was enough to make him pass out.

Gord: I already said I can’t fly!
Torturess: Is there a pillow factory anywhere below us?
Gord: Can’t be! That would be convenient!

Captain Masochismo, who didn’t need it, who was also knocked far enough away that it won’t help you, lands head first into a pillow factory.

Gord tries to grab the ends of his cape to make a makeshift parachute.
Torturess: I’m too young to die!
Gob 2: Gob, gob!
Gob 3: Gob, gob!

Torturess has both of the Gobs pinned underneath her. The blue dude is free falling too, but he’s waving his arms erratically. Gord tries to influence his falling so he closes in on his party.

????: Kirbloftopli!!!!!!

He seems to have one hand on a small rod…it’s not blue…it’s silver and metal and not attached to his pelvis. It might be a weapon to zap Gord with… or an alien parachute…
Gord tries to zap him with the stun gun again, sticking him in the cheek. The alien releases the rod and goes slack.

Gord: Grab that thing.
Torturess is under it and falling faster. She’s about ready to splat. Only you have a chance to grab it.

Captain Masochismo: I am here to cushion your fall fair damsel!!!

Gord manages to get near enough to grab it, shoots his arm out and gets two fingers around it, just as Torturess hits the ground in a giant explosion of dust. With only two seconds before he hits the pavement at terminal velocity, he grabs it, and it suddenly elongates and a bubble appears around him, causing all of hismomentum to suddenly stop as he float a few stories in the air.

Gord: Well, this is different.
(from below) Torturess: AHHHH DISGUSTING!!!!!

Both she and the Captain are totally covered in green gloop.

Gord: Torturess! tries to figure out how to go down

As you will it down, you slowly float down.

Torturess: Oh my God, this will never come out of my costume!
Captain Masochismo: No need to thank me—-

Torturess slugs the Captain, knocking him to the ground.

Captain: Ahh….
Gord: Well, at least we can try cleaning you off. Should we go back to the hideout and hose you down?
Torturess: First my car, now my best suit…

She just starts kicking Masochismo. While that is going on, something hits you square in the … force field.

Gord: That better not be who I think it is…

A broken, bruised, blue-bloodied blue alien dude holds a tooth-brush looking raygun at you.

????: Harglublamtap!
Gord: Oh, that’s it? I thought it would be that speed dweeb.
Gord: Can’t shoot through your own doohickey, huh? He advances on the alien.

The blue dude grabs a white gem from his pocket (WTF THAT WAS A SUIT?!) and puts it into his tooth-brush-death-ray. Gord tries to run at the alien, but only manages to float with his legs not on the ground. But he wave them for good measure. Gord wills himself at the alien.

????: Yartobakonfa!
Gord: Every time you yell, I’m doing something right!

Gord speeds towards the alien as fast as possible. The gem makes the little tooth-brush-death-ray glow. Just as Gord force field tackles it, the glowing toothbrush deathray glows bright. It suddenly sonic booms (not Sonik the Booms), and sends Gord flying back. The staff Gord is holding vibrates and pieces of crystal fall out of it in little fragments.

Gord: Ok, maybe I could have planned that better…

The shield dissipates as well, but he’s still floating. And everyone in about 100 meters is unconscious. Except Gord and the alien.

????: Taklobarkantas!

He shakes the little death ray, but it seems to just be smoking. Gord vs. Blue – Alien Glowy Toothbrush Deathray vs. Alien Floaty Stick.

Gord: Well, can’t waste a good floating…

He begins to float towards at the floaty staff’s top speed (which is very, very, very slow…)

????: DFHSFF:FSHD:LKFHS:LKDJFH:!!!!!!!!!!!!! (He’s just type mashing now)
Gord: Screw this. Go away, floatiness!

The alien’s gun stopped smoking and is beginning to glow again. It takes the gem out and puts in the one that was in it before.

Gord: Stupid thing. If you can’t go faster, let me down!
????: Yarglamtif!

Gord *accidentally removes his right hand from it, causing the staff to retract and him to fall…3 feet.
: Finally!

He looks for cover, but there is none…and the alien’s death ray brush is aiming at him again.

Gord: Can’t fly, gotta fight…

Gord run up to it… reaching for his stun gun. However, the spot it was on his belt is empty. He doesn’t remember putting it away after the long fall. He hears the gun make a faint whistle noise.

(This is bullet time…or tooth-brush-death-ray-gun-time, whichever you know it better as)

With nothing else he can do, Gord bops him in the head with the stick. The alien blocks it with the ray gun. The staff shatters the little gun, and goes through it, hitting him in the head.

????: Zounds.

The alien falls unconscious. The creature seems to still be breathing…

Gord: Well. I guess heroes don’t leave live grenades on unconscious foes. I guess.

Gord drags the alien over towards Torturess to keep an eye on him, in an attempt to make sure his sidekick is okay. The creature suddenly pulls another toothbrush from his neck belt pouch thing.

Gord: Stop that!

Gord kicks him just as he’s about to put the white gem into the gun. He kicks the gun out of his hand, shattering it. The gem falls to the ground.

????: Parrrrr…
Gord: Be satisfied, jerk. I was aiming for your head.

Gord grabs the gem, which for some reason, seems magnetically attracted to his staff. Talk about science fiction porn. The gem fits into one of the dozen holes in your staff. All of a sudden, his staff lights up, and the bubble appears around him, appearing right in the middle of your little blue friend.

Gord: This is… unexpected.

It seems to be trying to separate his two halves.

Gord: Such a quandary!

Gord: Time to heroically assume I don’t have any control over this thing and wait to see what happens! I’m in shock and unable to control this!

In heroic delight you watch as the field slices him in two. He accidentally changes the grip on the thing… BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! It explodes like the alien’s gun had before, re-knocking everyone unconscious. And his staff powers down.

????: … (>_<)>s the hell out of there.

+2 Character Points! +1 Hero Point!


RETropolis RETropolis

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